


Vanity

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Series: The Show Must Go [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Bickering, Companionable Snark, I Don't Even Know, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Self-Indulgent, Timeline What Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 16:14:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6862594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He finds a guy leaning against a door jam wearing a wrinkled shirt, a loosened tie, and a smirk. Steve’s immediately on edge because he knows the type, the arrogant kind of guy that thought because he was Classic Hollywood Hot he owned the world. “I don’t know you but I trust you with my life,” he says with a cocky smirk.</p><p>“That’s highly irresponsible,” Steve quips back without missing a beat.</p><p>Or: The one where Steve accidentally becomes a famous actor due to an unplanned visit from an unexpected guest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vanity

**Author's Note:**

> The title of the song is taken from Lady Gaga's Vanity (great song y'all). 
> 
> This is just something that I whipped up when because I liked the pairing and wanted to see more of it.

It’s late so Steve doesn’t expect the knock on the door but Bucky had a habit of showing up unexpectedly so he goes and answers it without checking. Later he isn’t sure if this is the best or worst decision of his life.

He finds a guy leaning against a door jam wearing a wrinkled shirt, a loosened tie, and a smirk. Steve’s immediately on edge because he knows the type, the arrogant kind of guy that thought because he was Classic Hollywood Hot he owned the world. Except this guy’s eyes were brown, not blue, and he managed to pull off that thin mustache on his upper lip that normally made people look like bad seventies porn stars. “I don’t know you but I trust you with my life,” he says with a cocky smirk.

“That’s highly irresponsible,” Steve quips back without missing a beat.

The guy smiles, “par for the course, honey, now will you be nice and let me in?” he asks with an arrogant lilt to his voice that makes the hairs on the back of Steve’s neck stand up but from attraction or irritation he didn’t know.

“I’m fairly certain I’ve seen a few horror movies that start with this premise,” he says, not opening the door any wider.

That gets him a laugh and boy is this guy hot with his easy confidence and perfect teeth. Steve kind of wanted to punch him. Or fuck him. Or both, Miguel and Tulio would be proud. “Sweet cheeks you are neither a token minority nor the hot bimbo having sex with her idiot jock boyfriend at the most inopportune of times, I think you might be safe.” That smirk hasn’t gone anywhere but he does spare a glance over his shoulder, scanning the area but Steve doesn’t see anything out of the ordinary. If this guy was looking to not resemble a serial killer he wasn’t doing a good job, which was why Steve figured he probably wasn’t dangerous. Someone who wanted him dead would probably be more practiced at this.

Plus he’s always been a bit of a daredevil. “Yeah, you’re right, I’m the fucking virgin so I guess that means I’m immortal,” he mumbles, “don’t make me regret this,” he says and opens the door wider to let the guy in.

Mystery Guy steps in and sweeps his eyes up and down Steve’s thin figure, causing him to involuntarily blush hard. “Are you serious? That’s a fucking crying shame, someone is missing _out_ ,” he says very seriously, doing another once over and grinning. God who did he just let into his house? Bucky was going to murder him if this guy didn’t do it first.

“I’m fairly certain you’re alone in that opinion,” he says, getting a confused look but he presses on before he can ask some uncomfortable questions. “So what brings you here at,” he looks at the clock, “two in the morning. God it’s later than I thought.” He really needed to stop binge watching shows on Netflix.

“Saw the light on, figured you might answer the door,” Mystery Guy says.

“Guess you were right. So uh, what’s you name? Do you like want a drink or something?” Steve asks, remembering his manners a little too late, shutting the door and rubbing his temples. He was more tired that he thought he was ten minutes ago or maybe that was what being stuck in the middle of a movie plot did to a person.

His new houseguest looks confused for a moment but he seems to roll with the punches, “Howard. And no need to get me a drink unless you happen to have some Dalmore Selene laying around then by all means,” Howard says, grinning.

Steve frowns, “what the fuck is that?” he asks.

Howard’s smile drops and replaced with a look of disbelief, “scotch, clearly you lack taste,” he accuses.

“Explains why I let you in,” Steve says in retaliation, earning a smile from Howard. They fall into silence and Steve retreats to the living room with Howard trailing behind so he could finish the rest of his show and go to bed. Howard must be tired because he falls asleep near immediately and without the cocky persona he looks so much more inviting. Less like he was hiding behind a shield of bravado or maybe Steve needed to go the fuck to bed because he knew nothing about the guy to make that assumption.

Before he goes to bed he looks up Dalmore Selene and discovers that that scotch is fucking twenty six thousand dollars a bottle. That was more than he made in a year, who the fuck did he let into his house?

*

He wakes up bright and early, well, at nine, and goes through his full morning routine before he remembered that he had a random stranger sleeping on his couch. Right, that was a thing he probably should deal with. Instead of doing that he decides to make a Snapchat story about his adventures late at night because honestly this was hilarious.

The last thing he expects is a video call from Peggy but he accepts the call, ducking into the bathroom to not wake Howard, who was still very much passed out, up. “Holy motherfucking shit,” Peggy says with a straight face.

“Uhh?” he says in way of actual words.

Peggy rolls her eyes, “of course you’d have no clue who that is. You dipshit you have Howard Stark sleeping on your couch,” she says as if that was important information.

“Is… that supposed to mean something to me?” he asks because honestly that rung no bells.

“Oh my god, how do you not know who that is?” she asks, “you know, one of the costars of that new spy drama taking place in the forties? He’s the kooky inventor?” she says, rambling on when Steve doesn’t clue in right away.

The last bit was what got him because he remembered seeing a commercial once in which Howard accidentally blew himself up and deemed the show stupid. Right. Well that explained the bad ‘stache, even if it looked good on Howard. “Oh,” he says dumbly. What were the chances of something like this happening to little old him? Didn’t matter, Steve wasn’t going to treat Howard any different anyways; just because he was a famous actor didn’t mean that he deserved special treatment. “Well alright then,” he says, accepting this as probably one of the weirdest moments of his life. Angie starts calling for Peggy so she goes, wishing Steve a good day as she ends the call.

Steve figures he’d make breakfast because his couch was currently occupied so he couldn’t go back to watching Netflix. He guessed he at least he knew how Howard could afford that expensive Scotch.

*

He assumes the smell of food is what wakes Howard up because the man slept like the dead. Steve had almost died twice in his pancake making adventures and Howard hadn’t even stirred. Honestly Steve was impressed, a stiff breeze woke him up let alone a full-grown man slipping in his kitchen and almost stabbing himself with a knife.

Howard’s hair was stuck flat on his head on one side and sticking up in all directions on the other, giving him an adorable fluffy dandelion look if dandelions had black petals. “Those pancakes?” he asks, shuffling closer to the plate Steve had set aside.

“They are, want some?” he asks, gently pushing the plate in Howard’s direction. Howard makes a pleased noise and takes the entire plate of pancakes. Steve snorts and shakes his head but resolves himself to making some more for himself.

They eat in silence, mostly ignoring the other’s presence until Howard says he has to go and he leaves without much else to say. Steve doesn’t really expect much else anyways and sets about cleaning his kitchen.

*

When he gets home from work the next day he finds everything in his house has been replaced with something better, even his toilet paper. He finds a bottle of Dalmore Selene sitting in ice on the counter and a note. All it says is thanks. On any given occasion he might consider this too much but he had no way to return any of this stuff and after sitting on the couch he didn’t want to anyways.

He debates on drinking the scotch but it was way too expensive to open so he stores it in a cupboard for a rainy day when he needed to make cash quick.

*

Two weeks later he comes home to find Howard Stark lounging on his couch with a wine glass full of scotch in his hand. “Why is that scotch in a wine glass?” he asks even though he had meant to ask why Howard was on his couch. Whatever, guess he had to roll with the punches now.

“Studio needs someone small, blonde, and adorable for the part so I told them I had the perfect person. Pretty sure they were looking for a woman but who cares about that? You’d make a great quirky lab person,” he says, grinning at Steve and completely ignoring his question. Oddly he answered the question Steve had meant to ask so he shrugs and goes with it.

“What exactly are you saying?” he asks because he needed to get this straight. What he heard was that Howard suggested him for a role on his show, but for all he knew Howard’s statement meant something totally different.

“I’m saying that I’m offering you a job, one off thing, but you’ll make an okay amount of money,” he says, raising an eyebrow to Steve in question.

He takes a moment to process that because he was officially wrong about accidentally harboring a movie star in his house being the weirdest thing to have ever happened to him. Now it was the harbored movie star offering him a job after basically buying him a new apartment. “Will that even be possible?” he asks because this was just too weird to be a thing. Accidentally harboring a random celebrity was already at the top of his weird-o meter.

“I’ll make it possible,” Howard says with an easy confidence that Steve wished he had. In the end he figured fuck it, it wasn’t like he’d be loosing anything by testing this out. Howard never did answer why his scotch was in a wine glass.

*

It was immediately obvious that the part was written for a woman given the sheer amount of unnecessary flirting and Steve was determined to make it as gay as humanly possible. He was also determined to just cut out the shitty parts by improving it out. The directors might not have been pleased with Howard’s choice but they had so much natural chemistry and created genuinely funny improv scenes so they figured fuck it, might as well let Steve have his fun. They didn’t expect him to be such a huge hit with the fans.

*

He probably spends more time than strictly necessary making fun of the boring and trope-y plot lines of the sow but it wasn’t his fault they had bad writing. It wasn’t like the premise of discovering alien tech through fun spy adventures wasn’t an interesting one, but the overused character arcs were.

“You know you could be nicer, right?” Howard says when he rolls his eyes at yet another boring plot line.

“Look, if they want viewers maybe they should step up their writing game. Right now we’re the most interesting thing on the show and my character doesn’t even make any sense in the overall plot, I’m just there to make jokes and flirt with you,” he says. It was pretty great, especially when people bitched about the impossibility of a gay guy in the forties when aliens were legit real on the show. Steve had no clue aliens, a group that has yet to be discovered, were considered more real than gay men, who have always existed, but alright.

“True, but we’re so cute,” Howard says with a smirk.

“Yeah, yeah, Howard, you’re adorable, we all know. But the success of a show can’t be dependent on Howard Stark’s Adorable Face, there needs to be some real substance,” Steve points out.

“You do realize I said _we_ were adorable, not that _I_ was a adorable. I am but that’s technically not what I said.” Steve expertly sidesteps the subject, having learned after years of Bucky trying to get him to think better of himself and failing.

*

Steve has a glass of water nestled into the fake ice of the fake dead guy on the fake lab slab that he doesn’t think much of, really. He dehydrated easy so he had drinks stored all over the set and his persona was a quirky lab assistant, taking drinks at random times was in character as well as necessary to Steve’s health.

When he grabs the drink in between lines and takes a drink he doesn’t expect Howard to look so horrified. “That was in a dead guy,” he says, sounding as horrified as he looked. Steve opens his mouth to point out the dead dude was a prop before he remembers right, he was playing the Quirk Lab Assistant.

“So? He’s convenient drink cooler,” he says nonchalantly. Like drinking water out of a glass that was stuck in the fake ice of the fake dead guy’s chest was normal.

“That… that’s disgusting,” Howard says, nose wrinkled.

“It’s hardly my fault my assistant forgot to move the cup,” he says because that actually was the problem.

“Your cup shouldn’t be stored in a dead man,” Howard says in a disbelieving tone.

“Your inexplicable steam punk goggles shouldn’t be stored on your head but here we are. They do look pretty hot nestled in those dark curls of yours, though,” he says saucily. Howard looks so bizarrely affronted but this was supposed to be the forties, guys didn’t just randomly call other guys sexy. But people didn’t use random alien tech to make cool and impossible inventions so it wasn’t like this was the most unrealistic part of the show, contrary to popular opinion. Steve squints at Howard’s head, “sexy goggles.”

Howard blinks rapidly, like something wasn’t quite computing and honestly this was ninety percent Howard rather than his character. But then he and his character were basically the same person. “Falsworth needs to start getting his information from you himself,” he mumbles mostly to himself.

“Aww but honeybun who’d flirt with you?” he asks sweetly. His goal was to make this so gay the writers either gave his character or Howard’s an Obligatory Heterosexual Romance to Not Be Gay.

*

Bucky and Howard hated each other on principal and Peggy seemed to find the whole thing amusing. Steve was certain she was sending Angie texts and Snapchat messages of the whole encounter and Steve doesn’t have the energy to stop her because he was attempting to keep Bucky and Howard from starting a fist fight.

“Oh for gods sakes you two, would you shut up?” he snaps finally, annoyed with their constant flow of bickering and insults.

“No,” they say in sync, glaring at each other for daring to have the same thought process.

“Yes,” Steve says in a forceful tone because he was done with this right about now.

“He isn’t good enough for you,” Bucky says indignantly.

“I’m rich, good looking, famous, the fuck else do you think I need?” Howard snaps, clearly confused by Bucky’s conclusions.

“A personality that isn’t the equivalent to a wet piece of cardboard would be nice,” Bucky says.

“Oh, as apposed to your _shining_ personality,” Howard says dramatically, rolling his eyes, “please buddy.”

“Well right now you’re both being insufferable assholes and if you don’t knock it off I’ll ditch _both_ of you for Peggy,” Steve snaps, giving the two irritated looks.

“I’m alright with that and you know Angie is always happy to have you,” Peggy says sweetly, earning unimpressed looks from both Howard and Bucky.

*

His goal of being so gay a forced heterosexual romance is introduced becomes complete when it because pretty obvious his off screen relationship with Howard was leaking into his on screen relationship with Howard. They had snuck off to make out in a broom closet and they hadn’t expected Falsworth, to open the door. The best part was that they realized that he was about to open the door so Steve goes to snatch a prop from the ground only to find himself tumbling out of the closet seconds later.

Falsworth looks floored, staring back and forth between the two, “is this real?” he asks in character but clearly wondering if this was supposed to be part of the scene or not.

“Told you this was a bad idea,” Steve says, also in character. Might as well fake it till he made it.

Howard’s goggles were askew and he was just a bit flushed, “um,” he says intelligently.

“He was nowhere near your mouth,” Falsworth says, eyes wide.

Steve was more than a little surprised they went with _that_ take but it had become increasingly clear the show runners thought it was Hilariously Quirky But Completely Heterosexual. Boy were they surprised with the fan response of having canonically gay characters on a show that took place in the forties. Or bisexual in Howard’s character’s case.

Howard’s character gets a love interest and Steve flirts with her just as much so they become an adorable triad that everyone accepts just as easily as the alien tech. His character was too popular to kill off without major risks to ratings.

*

“You do realize that you’ve changed the whole trajectory of the show, right?” Howard asks one night. They were hanging out at Steve’s new place, which had become increasingly more necessary as he got more attention from being on a popular television show. Bucky was happy because he got to play bodyguard, which he decided was better than the alternative of trusting some other idiot with Steve’s life. That last bit was a quote.

“How so?” he asks, just a bit distracted by trying to learn the lines to the third script this week. For some reason they had been changing the scripts a lot and honestly Steve did not appreciate it much. Everyone else seemed to have a much easier time but they were also trained actors, he was just being an asshole and getting paid for it. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t been fired yet.

“Steve, every time you figure out a ‘twist’ in the plot they change it, mostly because you figure things out so easily,” Howard says. It wasn’t Steve’s fault they wrote the show to cater to every over played stereotype there was, minus Steve’s character, who might be a quirky lab assistant but he was also the most competent person on the show. He tells Howard this too because he couldn’t help pointing out bad writing. “I think they hate you, but ratings go up every time you appear on screen. Even if it was some weird cameo you accidentally made when you walked onto the wrong set and slowly backed out. I can’t believe they kept that,” he says, shaking his head.

“I can’t believe they kept that scene that all but said I was sucking your dick in a closet because they thought we were quirky hetero life mates,” he says, snickering.

“Yeah, that was… extremely gay. But to be fair we _were_ making out in a closet so it wasn’t _completely_ wrong,” Howard says and winks. Steve, thankfully, has grown out of blushing at every attention he got from, well, anyone. The hazards of playing an inexplicably flirty lab tech and getting so much media attention.

“We’re so gay you got an Obligatory Love Interest,” he says excitedly. As far as the media knew their relationship was only on screen though more than enough people questioned whether or not that was the full truth. Steve would be irritated with the rumor starting except it was true so.

“I’m about to get the Obligatory Kid too,” he says distastefully, “they want to use Tony.” Right, Howard’s kid that he heard shockingly little about from all fronts. Steve had no clue if that was an attempt to shelter Tony from the media or something else entirely but he didn’t ask. Howard was stubborn and he wouldn’t be pushed into revealing information he didn’t want to.

“How’s Tony feel about that?” he asks, “also he’s like… five isn’t he? How the hell are they going to introduce a five year old when your fake wife isn’t even pregnant?” It was a legit question.

“Growth hormones or some shit. And Tony thinks this is the greatest thing since sliced toast. Maria? Not so much,” he says. Yeah Steve knew about Howard’s ex wife too, but like his child it didn’t seem to be much of a topic of concern for him. Steve had no idea why, he met Maria once mostly by accident and she was an enjoyable woman. Howard had looked extremely uncomfortable with their interacting but they had ignored Howard in favor of talking about gardening, which they both loved.

“Child experimentation? Gross. Guess you and Maria have a discussion ahead of you,” he says but he doesn’t push the subject further. There was no sense.

“Nazis,” Howard says in way of an explanation. To be fair it was always Nazis on the show, or space Nazis, or on one memorable occasion Nazis in the center of the earth. The show had gone from a pretty serious spy venture with occasional aliens to an off the wall almost comedy with some occasional spies. Honestly it was great, the fans and ratings said so.

“Fucking Nazis,” he mumbles.

*

The rumors about their relationship were getting stronger because of all the time they spent together. At a certain point Steve or Howard leaving the other’s house at a ridiculous time in the morning was just too weird not to speculate about. Steve had figured out that was how Howard had ended up at his door at two in the morning, he had been doing god knows what and ran into paparazzi. Cue him showing up on Steve’s doorstep rumpled and adorable with just a bit too much confidence in himself.

Steve loathed the press but he didn’t mind the parties at least, they were enjoyable enough even if they did drain him of all energy. He could have done without the stupid questions but he kept his eye rolls to a minimum and dealt with the reporters. For this particular event he had just tagged along with Howard because making his own arrangements was an annoying process for everyone involved. He had no clue what Howard was planning.

As per usual there were stupid questions, mostly due to speculations about Howard’s character being bisexual. “Look, he’s obviously bisexual, at this point its pretty useless to deny it,” Howard says, “and on that note, so am I,” he says and pulls Steve into a kiss.

The roar from the crowd is so loud that for a moment Steve goes blind, as contradictory as that sounded. The media has a heyday and Howard’s agent is pissed. Steve, however, is incredibly pleased with this turn of events.

*

Tony ends up winning the battle of whether or not he was making a guest appearance on the show, which was hardly surprising after meeting the kid. He had a lot of energy, was weirdly intense, and clearly invested in winning every argument he got into with adults. Basically he was tiny Howard and it was pretty clear Howard didn’t know how to respond to someone just like him. Fair enough, Howard is a handful and his child was no less of a handful. Actually he was a little bit more of a handful.

“I hate you,” Tony says upon meeting him. The kid looked weirdly passionate about it too, like he actually did hate Steve.

“Fine then, I don’t need you to validate me,” he says, responding in character because honestly he had no idea what to do with that. To be fair they _were_ currently being filmed and that was not Tony’s line. Howard looks strained.

“I think you do,” Tony says in a cocky tone, crossing his little arms.

“My life’s worth does not hinge on a four year old liking me,” he quips back without pause, “so, what random dead guy explains your presence in my lab today?” he asks in an attempt to get the scene back on track.

“First of all I’m five so I’m practically an adult,” Tony says and Steve couldn’t help but burst out laughing.

He stops his giggles abruptly and bends down a little so he’s on Tony’s level, “you’re a fetus,” he says in an overly serious tone. Tony does not look impressed with this and Howard seems intent on just ignoring his child being an asshole.

“Actually Tony _is_ the weird thing I brought to you,” Howard says, “I was hoping you would have an explanation for why he didn’t exist two hours ago and why he is five right now.”

Steve squints at Tony, “so… you’re saying that this is your kid? And this kid didn’t exist two hours ago?” he asks and Howard nods, “I’m a mortician, I deal with the dead people not freshly squeezed toddlers. This is literally the opposite of my job,” he points out.

“Um, ‘scuse me. I think we should be paying attention more attention to me because I’m clearly the cutest,” Tony says, interrupting the scene.

“Okay experiment 626, calm down, we’ll get to you,” Steve says, turning back to Howard, who was struggling not to laugh at that because no one knew what Lilo and Stich was in the forties. They usually left in Steve’s random pop culture references anyways, which has led to a lot of fan speculation that he was a time traveller. It wasn’t completely out of the realm of possibility in the show canon; they had space Nazis for fucks sakes.

“I don’t even get that reference,” Tony says indignantly.

*

“I actually don’t hate you,” Tony says after they finished yet another scene that he, Howard, and Steve managed to botch. Steve kept that 626 line because it was hilarious but Tony switched up his persona every time, which was amusing but unproductive. Howard looked ready to strangle the poor kid for not cooperating but Steve just went with it. Kids would be kids.

“Thanks?” he says, frowning.

“You have bad taste in men though. I recommend leaving dad for mom because she is just so much better than him and I think you would be very happy with her and then you can be my new, better dad,” he says in such a matter-of-fact tone. Yeah, he was absolutely having a conversation with Howard about this later.

“I… don’t think that’s necessary. I kind of love your dad,” he says, surprised that that came out of his mouth but mostly surprised that it was true.

Tony reaches up and holds his hand, looking him dead in the eyes, “I’m so sorry,” he says and wanders off to go do Tony things. _Definitely_ having a conversation with Howard about this later.

*

Howard looks stunned and honestly Steve felt that, his kid literally _apologized_ to Steve because he said he loved Howard. “You love me?” he asks in a shocked tone.

“Yeah, that really isn’t the most important topic at hand,” he says. How the hell had Howard decided _that_ was what they needed to talk about he had no clue but alright.

He sighs, “yeah, he hates me, I know. What am I supposed to do about it?” he asks in a snarky tone that Steve did not appreciate.

“The exact opposite of what you’re doing now because clearly that isn’t working. Now stop moping about you kid hating you and make an effort to change it, damnit,” he says in a forceful tone that would probably make Howard run.

To his intense surprise it has the opposite effect.

*

“That kid is an _asshole_ ,” Bucky says, hand pressed to his heart as Tony wanders off to go insult someone else. The kid had a weird ability to locate the most a person’s most vulnerable area and exploit it and that was yet another conversation he needed to have with Howard. There were a lot of conversations he needed to have with Howard.

“He’s like five,” Steve says, “he doesn’t even know he’s being an asshole.”

“Does so, he’s five not an infant. He knows that being mean isn’t alright, he just goes and insults people anyways,” Howard says, looking unimpressed.

“Well, he comes by it honestly,” Bucky mumbles, giving Howard a weary look.

“Fuck off, Barnes,” Howard says without missing a beat and Steve steps in before they say anything particularly ignorant to each other.

“Both of you enough. I have better things to do than dealing with your immature name calling so stop it,” he scolds, glaring the two into submission.

“Fine. While we’re in the subject of immature name calling how about being my husband?” Howard asks in what Steve would characterize as the most awkward proposal in history.

“I can honestly say I don’t even know where to begin with where you went wrong there but yes,” Steve says, earning a shocked noise from Bucky.

Later Tony agrees that that was a stupid proposal and tells Howard to watch Mulan because clearly the way to win a man’s love as by winning a war because that’s how Mulan did it. _And_ all of China loved her too. He guessed at least they all knew that Tony inherited the famous Stark Snark.

Tony and Bucky forgive their differences and become friends to piss Howard off. Steve couldn’t believe Bucky was resorting to the tactics of a five year old, literally, to annoy his fiancée.


End file.
